Let me eat cake.

Tonight I'm nestled deep under the covers with a plate piled high with flourless chocolate cake and an oversized portion of coconut whipped cream. A cozy bed always makes me feel better. I can't handle motherhood for a second longer with the older boys tonight. Bedtime was at 7:30.  It's Tuesday, so our typical day is dropping Mikey off at school at 1:40. Then the kids and I play around until about 5 and then things turn sour as the baby gets fussy. Then I'm scrambling to make dinner one handed while chaos ensues around me because everyone is tired and can't get along anymore. Tonight was bad. Hayden has been very difficult. I know it's because we are moving and he can see things changing. He never does well with change. I do my typical routine of explaining everything, and creating excitement around the house about where we are going. Looking up places in Utah on the iPad together, showing them pictures of Grandpa and Mia's house and making plans for what kind of fun adventures we will have. But in between meltdowns that seem unrelated, I get little clues that he is stressed. "You are packing up all of our toys and getting rid of them!" Why can't my dad just move to Utah too?" "You just want us to be far away from Gabba!!" It breaks my heart. I try and explain to him in the easiest way that I can to a five year old, but I'm still learning how to be a parent too. And I don't always say the right things. I'm a very high stress person and I know a lot of him feeling the way he does, comes from me. But I am better at handling those feelings after years of practice. He is not. So we get major meltdowns where he sometimes hurts himself, fits of screaming and destroying his room, and a ton of anger and pacing and crying and pulling at his hair or clothes. It's hard to watch, and sometimes he will just let me hold him and other times, he needs to be by himself in his room so he can calm down. I'm hoping things settle down once we get out there, but for now, I eat cake and hope tomorrow is better.